A Million Mothers.org

“For Esther”

I

It’s harder without you
but The Work continues.

Today I went to the prison
to visit the new mom and her babe
and Musician Tony,
the boy with bad teeth
a young man who will become
a father in prison.

I came home and had lunch
without you.

I drank coffee alone just like always.

Always excludes our 4 days.

Four days that took the load of life
and infused it with delight.

I don’t know-can you
define delight as Esther’s hands
playing with my hair
from the back of the motorbike
as I drive us around Ubud?

Does the second definition say:
“Esther wrapping her arms
around my waist on the bike
and just saying, “thank you.”

My friend, last night I cried
while you showered to go.
I loaned you my bath towel
and my razor, helping you prepare
to be with your man.

I always heard that’s
what girlfriends do.

When you returned from the shower
all dry and dressed
I knew your heart was on the plane
so I did not show you my tears.

After the prison today
I came to my room to find
the little brown bag on my bed
you had sent to me from Sanur.

The note inside began:
“Dear Sweetheart”
You included some money for
our favorite charity

and a necklace that reaches
like a hug around my neck
and drops exactly
down to my heart.

_____________

II

Mid Afternoon Coffee Without You

What did you do to my heart
you godless, god-filled
gentle, brilliant woman?

Latte at Baby Face
makes me wish I was sharing
my bowl of complimentary peanuts
with you.

It was simpler to be here without knowing
your cushion-y companionship.

You know I only think of The Work
but somehow you get me to
afternoon dessert.

Imagine!
chocolate in the afternoon!

As sinful as sex at that time
but somehow more delicious when
it’s light outside

and everyone else is eating
ham sandwiches.

__________________________

III

If you could only try
to imagine me-

trying to find the face I had
before you insisted
on being my friend

I told you I wished
I’d never met you

you smiled that smile
and touched me sweetly

“no you’re not,” you said
gently

but damn you
for showing me
that losing you

is as good
as having you